Death Comes to Facebook

     As a Generation Xer, I have adapted to many of the current technologies.  Still, I remember the first time I sent an email (1992), buying my first computer while in college (my one and only Mac) and signing up for MySpace and Facebook.  I have a Twitter account that I don’t really use because I have frequently been misunderstood through texts.  I believe that Twitter would allow me the opportunity at times to be misunderstood on a larger scale.  Lately, I have even distanced myself from Facebook.

     While I am amazed and pleased for the most part with technology and how it has led to increased connectivity with those at a physical distance, there are some trends that I find disturbing.  For instance in a 13-month period from December 2013-January 2015, I was notified of the death of three relatives through announcements and comments on Facebook. 

     The first death, that of my stepmother, I saw myself after logging into Facebook.  My best friend from childhood posted a message remembering my stepmother that included RIP.  I didn’t have much contact with my stepmother.  I always thought she was a wonderful person and I was sorry to hear of her passing.  I am estranged from my father so I was not bothered as much in this instance.  Still it was an odd feeling.

     The second death was that of my paternal grandmother (my father’s mother).  I was working at the office when I received a text from my older brother.  Apparently several of my cousins had posted pictures and announced her passing on Facebook and my brother saw it.  No one in the family made any effort to contact us (my mom, my brothers or me).  I ended up calling my mother and notifying her of my grandmother’s death.  Although I didn’t fully realize it until later, this method of notification was very disturbing to me.

     The third death came earlier this year when one of two maternal aunts (my Mom’s sister) passed away unexpectedly.  It happened on a Saturday and I had not logged into Facebook at all that day.  I was having dinner with a friend and her family and when I left their house around 9:45 pm, I noticed I had received a text from my younger brother.  The text told me that he saw on Facebook that our aunt had died earlier in the day.  This time I was stunned.  Again, no one had bothered to contact me.  I texted my older brother early the next morning and then we spoke on the phone.  He did not know that our aunt had passed away either until my text.  After the conversation with my older brother, I left several voice mail messages for my mother.  She called me back later in the day and when asked why she hadn’t bothered to contact my brothers or me about my aunt’s death, she replied that she just assumed we would find out through Facebook and since she didn’t have any information about funeral arrangements she had planned to call when she had more information.

     At this point, I was completely overwhelmed.  Since when it is acceptable for family members to be notified of a loved one’s death through Facebook?  To me it is almost incomprehensible to allow someone to find out a loved one had passed through this medium.  I was just stunned by the lack of consideration.  My mother doesn’t have a Facebook account so she really doesn’t have any understanding of how Facebook works. 

     The cumulative weight of these deaths hit me hard and in my opinion was worsened by my feelings about how I was notified.  Our Internet connectedness seems to have led to a callousness regarding actual real time contact.  This is quite worrisome to me.  I am the first to admit that I have Facebook friends that I do not talk too.  Many of these are family members who I rarely see and I am friends with them on Facebook so I can find out about family news.  It is a way of monitoring news without having to take an active role unless I want to.  Still, as I watched family members interacting with each other in grief over these deaths I wondered why things like death couldn’t be worked out between family members offline rather than in a public forum like Facebook.  Although distant family members were able to express their support to the immediate family members, there was also infighting on Facebook between the immediate family members.  Again, this was disturbing to me.

     I do not think that I am a technophobe by any stretch of the imagination.  However, I do not wish to find out about the deaths of family members through Facebook.  Perhaps coincidentally, perhaps not, since January I have noticed that I have sharply decreased the amount of time I spend on Facebook.  Some weeks I will not visit Facebook at all.  I think that classical conditioning may be partly to blame.  In some way, Facebook has become connected to negativity and loss and I find myself with little desire to sign in.  Maybe some people are not or would not be disturbed by death notifications via Facebook.  All I know is that I am old enough to be revolted by the practice.  That is The View From Here.  

I Am Home (March 23, 2015)

            I returned to South Florida in January after being gone for about five-and-a-half years.  Yesterday, one of my best friends asked me (yet again) why I moved back to such an effed-up state.  Ah, Florida…where the current governor is a climate-change denier, the prison system is rife with corruption and scandal and parts of Miami Beach are flooding regularly with high tide.  Just this week, a little boy who is the same age as my oldest nephew was killed by a family member.  Both of his parents have criminal records and DCF was called multiple times with abuse reports, but of course now it is too late.

            When she asked me why I returned to Florida, it did make me pause for a moment.  When I am being objective, I understand completely that this is indeed an effed-up state.  But the truth is that Florida is the only place that feels like home.  For me, Florida seems to be that ex-girlfriend that I just cannot get over.  We have “broken up” twice before in 1996 and in 2009, so this is the storied third time around.  If I am being truly honest I have to admit that all of the craziness and all of the paradoxes in Florida somehow fit me.  I fit here.

            Another truth is that I feel an urgency of mission.  Before too many years have passed, almost certainly in my lifetime, this spot where I am sitting will be under water.  Climate change and melting glaciers have precipitated tremendous change already.  This week is the 100^th anniversary of the founding of Miami Beach.  In yesterday’s Miami Herald, along with celebratory articles about the week-long activities that will be taking place, there was an article that asked if Miami Beach will become a second Venice (Italy, not Florida).  For Miami Beach is an illusion, a man-made beach filled with sand that was dredged out of the sea and the sea is ever fighting to reclaim its rightful place.  Miami Beach was manufactured in the truest sense of the word -- made by man.  But I digress…

            Why am I here?  I am in South Florida because I understand that South Florida is living on borrowed time and I want to be able to enjoy the time that is left.  I am here on a mission to become involved in and to serve my communities – the HIV/AIDS community, the LGBTQ community, the South Florida community, the Florida community.  These are my people and I came back to serve them.  I can’t change Florida, but I can give back to my community.  This community that helped to make me the adult that I am today.

            For despite my cringing whenever another crazy story about Florida attracts national attention or at other times when Florida makes headlines for all the wrong reasons, this is my community.  This is where I belong.  This is where I have a voice and can be heard.  I can make a difference.  I can use my talents and skill to help my local HIV/AIDS community as a proxy for the entire HIV/AIDS community and I can help my local Pride Center as a proxy for the entire LGBTQ community and so contribute to my city, Broward County, the South Florida region and the state of Florida.  I am needed.  My spirit matters, my energy matters, my heart matters, my mind matters, my love matters, my light matters…I matter.  And so as March 2015 is speeding to a close, that is The View From Here.  

Planting the Seeds of Change (4/11/2013)

On Easter, I watched “The Butterfly Effect” for the third time.  At first, I wasn’t clear on why I chose that particular movie to watch on Easter.  After speaking with a friend of mine about it, I realized that two of the movie themes were consistent with an Easter or Spring theme.

In the movie, the main character has the ability to time travel and so he goes back in time again and again to key moments in his life and changes what happened.  What he doesn’t realize at first is that each change dramatically alters his not only his life but also at least four other people’s lives as well.  While the outcome is more positive for some of the people, it is more negative for others.  Once he starts changing things, he goes back repeatedly, each time dramatically affecting the lives of family members and friends.

The lesson for me is that everything that happened in my past has led me to this point today.  If anything had been different, everything would be different.  The second lesson for me is that changes, however small they seem, can have dramatic outcomes.  Each small change that the main character made in the movie dramatically altered the course of events, and so it can be for us as well.

Change can be overwhelming, especially if we are far away from where we want to be now or where we want to end up.  If we want to make dramatic changes, making a minor adjustment may seem like a drop of water in the ocean.  What we need to remember is that even small adjustments to behavior or thinking can lead to a different outcome.  Spring is a time for planting seeds, for renewal, for resurrection.  Making even a small change today can lead to a remarkable improvement in your life over time.

Think about where you are today, the events that have shaped your life and led you to this place.  Be grateful even for negative events that have shaped you.  Know that in dealing with the challenges of life we learn about ourselves.  It allows us to practice courage, perseverance, faith, hope, and develops our inner strength.

In turn, consider one small positive change that you can make today that will improve your life.  Do it.  It may be that this one small change will allow you to fulfill your dreams and change your life.

http://www.gayrva.com/news-views/planting-the-seeds-of-change/

The Best National Defense is a Good…Education (May 7, 2012)

One thing that has really bothered me during the Republican primary season is the seeming ongoing disdain in many parts of the Republican Party towards education.  Perhaps it is because the most vocal component of the Republican Party is the religious fundamentalist community.  Fundamentalists, by definition, do not want progress or change.  We have to realize that there is a dark underbelly in American life that consists of individuals who would prefer to live in a utopian America that was only positive for white, heterosexual men.  In many ways, the utopian America of their dreams never existed in the first place.  Despite what fundamentalists want, today America is a multiracial, multicultural country.

In this era of trying to determine what we can and cannot afford as a country, many fiscal conservatives cannot imagine cuts to the defense budget.  But we are living in a world in which our greatest threats do not come from countries or militaries.  Cyber attacks could damage entire regions of power grids or water supplies in the U.S.  Biological agents have been used in attacks in other countries.  The only way our country will remain strong is through education.  In order to do that, we need not only the best and the brightest, but those individuals with transferable job skills.

Results from the Trends in International Mathematics and Science Study, which allows comparisons between U.S. students and students from around the world, are disturbing.  In 2007, the last year for which data were analyzed, fourth grade students in the U.S. were ranked eighth in the world in science and 11th in mathematics.  Eighth grade students in the U.S. were ranked 11th in science and ninth in mathematics.  Unfortunately, we are definitely not educating students who are the best in the world.

Higher education, when executed properly, teaches and enhances critical thinking skills.  These skills allow individuals to weigh arguments and determine what is rational and what is not.  Many fundamentalists fear rational thought because their worldview and beliefs are not rational.  Therefore, they view critical thinking skills as threatening.  On the contrary, advanced cognitive skills are more necessary than ever to enable individuals to gain competencies that will keep us competitive with the European Union and Asia.

Republicans have to realize that fundamentalism is damaging our ability to have a strong national defense and our status as a world leader.  Republican candidates understand that they must pander to the extreme right in order to win the Republican nomination.  However, presidential candidates who have sneered at the value of education have damaged local schools by influencing local and state leaders who set the budgets for public K-12 schools and colleges and universities.  Defunding education when our youth are consistently falling behind other countries will only increase threats to our national defense long term.  National defense can be measured not only by military hardware but by the number of educated, critical thinkers who allow the U.S. to compete with the rest of the world.  That is what fundamentalists do not understand.

http://www.gayrva.com/news-views/oped/the-best-national-defense-is-a-good-education/

Romney's First Gay Bashing?

I have thought about Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney’s high school bullying since the in-depth article in the Washington Post appeared on May 11th.  I have considered my own high school years.  Would I want to be judged now, some 20-plus years later over things that I did as a teenager?  No, I would not.  I have also considered that brain development is not complete until individuals are in their 20s.  Specifically, brain processes that manage impulse control and predicting consequences are some of the last to form.  Still, Mormonism aside, Governor Romney does not truly understand what it is like to be marginalized in a country that purports that everyone is equal, unless you are gay.

Washington Post writers gathered independent accounts from participants and onlookers of the alleged incident.  These accounts depicted Romney as the ringleader of the pack of teenage boys that attacked their classmate.  Nevertheless, Romney claims he has no memory of the attack.  For me, the most troubling part is that assaulting a classmate with a weapon (scissors) cannot be recalled.

We all have things in our past that we are not proud of.  Hopefully, we have apologized or attempted to right those wrongs.  However, every person who has ever been assaulted lives with that trauma for the rest of their lives.  Assault can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which can haunt individuals for years.  A classmate, who was one of the attackers, recounted that he apologized to the victim after a chance meeting at an airport years after the incident.  This gay man (the victim) remained traumatized by the incident more than 20 years later.

Other classmates recalled that the victim was presumed by classmates to be gay.  Romney has claimed that he grew up in an age when being gay was not discussed, so he had no reason to believe that the victim of this assault was gay.  Over and over again in these independent accounts, classmates recalled that Romney disliked this young man because he seemed different, because he had long hair, because Romney did not believe that the young man fit in with their private school image.  I do not condone or defend any type of bullying, but this was not a verbal attack.  It was an assault…with a weapon.

Romney has lived a life of privilege. In addition, his Mormon faith has further insulated him from understanding the needs of marginalized groups.  Should engaging in bullying as a teenager disqualify someone from being president?  I don’t think so.  However, Romney cannot recall an assault that made such an impression on participants and onlookers that years later they recalled it in detail.  Either Romney is a liar or a person so out of touch that he believed this assault was deserved in order to make the victim conform to social norms; therefore, it was non-memorable.  I hope Romney is lying.  If not, I hope that the latter characteristic proves to be a fatal flaw for his candidacy.

http://www.gayrva.com/news-views/romneys-first-gay-bashing/  May 22. 2012

Santorum Bows Out...For Now

On April 11th, Rick Santorum suspended his campaign for the Republican nomination for President.  Santorum reportedly returned home Easter weekend because his daughter’s health had worsened.  The suspension was a surprising development that came eight days after Santorum’s primary defeats in the District of Columbia, Maryland, and Wisconsin.  After the primary results were announced, Santorum made a speech in which he declared that he was not going anywhere, that it was only halftime.  Santorum was expected to remain in the race at least until after the primary in his home state, Pennsylvania, on April 24.

Santorum was a long shot early on in the crowded Republican field, but became stronger as his opponents bowed out one by one.  Many initially perceived Santorum as a fringe candidate, the representative of the extreme right.

It is unclear whether the increased popularity Santorum enjoyed in the last few months was a true indication of support for his right-wing views or whether it was a product of anti-Gingrich and anti-Romney bias.  In addition, some states allow for all registered voters to vote in primary elections so Santorum’s increased support may have partially been a product of Democratic voters trying to prolong the Republican primary season.

On April 10, Santorum was interviewed by Dr. James Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family.  Dobson also founded the Family Research Council, which has been branded as a hate group by the highly respected Southern Poverty Law Center for spreading disinformation (i.e., deliberate misinformation) about LGBT people.  During the interview, Santorum vowed to keep fighting for conservative values on the national stage and declared that his wife would have made a great first lady and STILL MIGHT.

Santorum has reported that he ended his campaign due to lack of funds.  He is currently soliciting donations to help defray debt from his campaign to be the Republican nominee for president.  Santorum reported that after his loss in the Wisconsin primary on April 3, his campaign debt increased to a level he was not comfortable with.

The popularity of Rick Santorum should scare all of us.  Here is a man that believes that the U.S. population should live under the archaic rules of the Catholic Church, rules that most American Catholics do not adhere to.  Santorum also enjoyed a great deal of support from conservative Christians who usually are reluctant to support Catholics.  Santorum wants to take this country back into the early 20th century, with draconian social measures.  I can only imagine that the rest of the civilized world is laughing at the U.S. once again, because a man with these values has a national platform for his views.  This is our country, and we need to wake up to the reality that the rights that we have fought so hard for are being threatened.  Are you listening?

Published April 17, 2011  http://www.gayrva.com/news-views/oped/santorum-bows-out-for-now/

Virginia Is For Lovers (But Only Heterosexual, Married Ones)

On March 1, 2012, Governor Martin O’Malley of Maryland signed a law legalizing gay marriage that will take effect on January 1, 2013.  With Governor O’Malley’s pen strokes, Virginia is now bordered by Maryland and the District of Columbia, and shares the Delmarva Peninsula with states (i.e., Maryland and Delaware) with legalized civil unions or same-sex marriage.  Given Virginia’s historic role as the capital of the Confederacy, the delay in civil rights for all of Virginia residents should not be surprising.
As the march toward formalized contracts between same-sex individuals in the form of civil unions and same-sex marriage continues, the state of Virginia has been making news of its own as legislators have recently lashed out against women in legislation that can only be described as the legalized sexual assault of women who wish to have an abortion.  Isn’t that the term for having your body invaded with something against your consent?  But I digress…

It is particularly ironic that Virginia’s long-held tourism slogan is “Virginia is for lovers,” when state policies make it very clear that the tourism slogan should read Virginia is for heterosexual, married lovers.  Virginia is one of 29 states with a constitutional amendment that defines marriage as between one man and one woman.  This law in Virginia also impacts contractual relationships and prohibits civil unions and any marriage-like contract between two unmarried individuals.  This law is one of the most restrictive in the nation.
The law, which codifies discrimination, matters a great deal, because 2010 census numbers indicated that single Americans make up almost 46% of the U.S. population.  The percentage of single women is at the highest point since the late 1800s, with the percentage of single men approaching 1920s and 1930s levels.  Clearly, we are becoming a nation of unmarried people.  Since 2000, the one-person household is the most common in the U.S.  In addition, the number of unmarried individuals that are cohabitating increased 88% between 1990 and 2007.

If marriage and civil union policies in Virginia do not catch up with its neighbors, and states in the Northeast, it will be left behind when businesses are considering expanding into the state.  Why would a company choose to build new branches in a state that actively promotes unequal civil rights for unmarried individuals?  How do you attract the best and the brightest when people do not want to live in a state that continues the long history of denying certain individuals their constitutional rights?

Based on the current political climate, it seems that the only individuals that the government of Virginia cares about are heterosexual, White, married men.  We’ve come a long way baby…except that we haven’t.  I fervently hope that I am wrong, but I don’t expect it to change anytime soon.

http://www.gayrva.com/featured/virginia-is-for-lovers-but-only-heterosexual-married-ones/  3/14/12